These Currents Are Still Killing Me
by dreamgurl
Summary: Takes place sometime after 3.08. Serena wakes up after a decision she thinks she regrets, only to find out her whole life is about to change. Carter/Serena/Nate form a kind of triangle.
1. You Make Me Break

**These Currents Are Still Killing Me**

**Summary: **Post-3.08. Serena finds herself in an uncomfortable position as she tries to climb herself out of one of the low points in her life. Sort of Carter/Serena/Nate triangle.**  
Author's Note: **I'm not using any spoilers. Anything that I mention happening after 3.08 is purely my speculation, I swear.**  
Disclaimer: **I have no connection to Josh Schwartz or Stephanie Savage, but I am fully willing to give them my contact info if they wish to hire me.

---

**Chapter One: You Make Me Break**

She rubbed her temples and let out a deep sigh. How could she have let everything get so out of control? Her life was falling apart before her very eyes, and she felt powerless to stop it. She had let herself believe she was _so_ prepared – hiring paparazzi to guilt her dad into knowing her, taking on a job instead of going to college – "building a life," as Blair had so sarcastically called it.

But it was all a lie, wasn't it? It was all her way of hiding out so she wouldn't have to face the truth of her existence. A shallow, meaningless existence in which everything she received was because of who she _was_ and never what she had done. And yet… When he had still been around, she'd allowed herself to believe she was working towards something. Towards that elusive _life_ that would be magically built – with him in it.

He had gone, however, and it seemed he had taken it all with him. She refused to believe that she had fallen to pieces because of a man; she was stronger than that, surely. But he had been a security blanket, at least. No matter what happened out there in the real world – with the jobs and education (or lack thereof) and absentee fathers – he was there, egging her on, letting her know she was worth it. He would have stayed with her all summer, he said. Too bad summer turned into fall and he decided he wouldn't stay anymore.

She had driven him away – just like she had driven away her friends, her college, her family, her _job_. It seemed she was incapable of holding onto anyone or anything. Blair was gone, her father refused to be found, Carter would rather be on an oil rig in Texas than with her…

Sure, she had made up with Nate, at the very least. She had gotten a new job working for Tripp van der Bilt. But those things hadn't made up for what she had lost. _In fact_, she thought to herself, nearly groaning at the realization, _they only made things worse_.

---

The ever-alluring Serena van der Woodsen had managed to unwittingly lure a married congressman into presenting her with quite an inappropriate proposition. She couldn't believe she had fallen so far as to put herself in that situation. Even worse, she couldn't believe she had almost allowed herself to _accept_.

It sickened her to think of how easily she had come under his spell. He seemed like such a safe man, like such a _good friend_. She should have known. No one listened to her problems unless they wanted something from her. And the only thing they ever wanted… Not that she could say she blamed him, of course. He was lonely, having condemned himself to living the same life Nate had been fighting for 18 years, and he'd thought she might be lonely, too. Besides, everyone in New York City pretty much agreed she was a _prostitute_, right?

So whom had she been able to turn to after wiping Tripp's sloppy kiss from her lips? None other than Nate, of course. Sweet, dependable Nate – always willing to lend a hand, except for when he would rather screw you over for a political campaign. She hadn't even thought herself capable of telling him the kind of man his idol was, but he had wrung it out of her in her distressed state. He had been heartbroken, of course, but somehow actually chose her over his family. He had renounced his work at Tripp's office, informed his grandfather of the situation, and actually gone to the trouble of telling Maureen. All in the name of defending Serena's honor. As much as that should have made her feel loved and cherished, it really just made her feel worse than ever. That was Serena for you – a home wrecker. A life-ruiner.

He'd been such a good friend to her these last few weeks, though, and she'd never forget it. He really was the only friend she had at the moment – Chuck and Eric, being siblings, did not really count. Not to mention that Chuck was busy sleeping with the enemy while Eric spent his time finding ways to overthrow the reign of Queen J. But Nate was there for her, really making her feel like she was a part of someone's world. They would go everywhere together nowadays, it seemed. All the laughter and late nights crashing at Chuck's penthouse reminded her of the old days. The days before she ruined everything the _first _time; back when she had three best friends and not a care in the world.

The way Nate's eyes would sparkle when they argued over the remote control _also_ reminded her of the days before she left for boarding school, and she wasn't sure how she felt about that. Whenever they touched for too long, she found herself transported back to water fights in Blair's bathroom or bar stools at the Shepherd wedding, and she would have to extract herself from the situation immediately and go somewhere else. The problem was she didn't know if the memories were coming from Nate, from the way he would look at her, or if it was something inside of _her_. She hadn't thought about him in that way in so long, she didn't even remember what it was like to want him. She didn't know when he had gotten over her, but something in his smile when they were together made her think the answer was _never_.

---

Maybe that's how she got to where was now: it had been so good to feel desired again. That might sound silly, seeing as everyone everywhere desired Serena. But this was something different. Nate wasn't a married politician, an ex-boyfriend now stepbrother, or a _best friend's boyfriend_. He was just a friend who might have a crush on her. It felt almost juvenile, but it was certainly sweet. So instead of talking to him about it, not wanting to ruin the only good thing she had going for her at the moment, she had decided to just let him run with it. Let him have his puppy love, seeing as he was so fond of it.

She had thought – or perhaps _hoped_ was a better word – that his feelings for her would dissipate the way his feelings for so many others had. That he would just wake up one day and forget she was ever attractive to him. And then she would walk into a restaurant that same afternoon to find him dining with Penelope or Hazel. However, nothing like that seemed to happen. Weeks went by and he still wore that same lopsided grin when he answered the door, his eyes still shone like diamonds when she paid him a compliment, and he still insisted on paying when they went out to eat. For all intents and purposes, they were dating. Just without the verbalization or the extensive touching.

That arrangement had been working just fine for her until the night before when, after downing a few Martinis and wondering what in the world they were going to do with the rest of their lives, Nate had planted a soft kiss on her lips. She had been pliant; too overwhelmed to reject him outright and too buzzed to feel she _ought_ to. When he pulled away, he had looked into her eyes, searching for the answer to a question he was too afraid to ask. She had tried to go over her options, but found her mind did not have the ability to think at the moment. So she did what any sensible girl presented with a love-struck Nate Archibald would do: she slept with him.

---

Serena looked over at the sleeping figure in bed next to her and shook her head. She was glad Chuck hadn't come home last night, for she could only imagine the ruckus that would have ensued if he saw them like this. Whether he would wink and laugh that he knew it all along or be outraged and throw them out, she didn't even know. He'd probably just take one look at her and mutter _train wreck_ again.

Nate shifted onto his side, and she didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the expression on his face. He looked so peaceful that it made her feel even worse for being so guilty in the first place. What in the world had they done that was so wrong? He didn't have a girlfriend – Blair had certainly been over him long before breaking up with him at prom the year before. _She_ definitely didn't have a boyfriend, she thought bitterly. Carter hadn't asked her to wait for him – he had just left. There was no one she needed to answer to, so why did she feel like the worst person right then?

Perhaps she felt as if she had let herself down. Here she was, succumbing to sex as the answer to her miseries once again. And even though it was with Nate, one of her oldest friends, one of the sweetest guys she knew, it still felt somehow…

Before she had a chance to decide _how_ exactly it felt, her phone rang rather loudly and she rushed to answer it before it woke Nate up – she definitely didn't want to have to deal with the morning after quite yet.

When she flipped her phone open, she found not a call but a simple text: **I found him. For real this time. See you soon.**

It was as if the wind had been knocked out of her, and she had lost the ability to breathe. All the tears that had been threatening to spill since she woke up – and perhaps ever since she came back from Fiji empty-handed – came flooding out. Not even thinking about the figure lying beside her, she ran to the bathroom and locked herself in as sobs racked her entire body.

So many questions attacked her at once, and she had not a single answer for any one of them. Where had her father been? Why would he suddenly care she was alive? What had Carter done to bring him back? What would she do when she saw him? And, most importantly, _why was he doing this for her_?

Suddenly, she had a feeling that Serena van der Woodsen wasn't the only person she had let down.


	2. The Space We Put Between

**These Currents Are Still Killing Me**

**Summary: **Carter thinks about what he's done and feels useless when it comes to what he needs to do. Sort of Carter/Serena/Nate triangle.**  
Author's Note: **Obviously, this is AU after 3.09, but I am trying to incorporate the letter Serena received at the end of last episode.  
**Disclaimer: ** It's not mine. Not Gossip Girl and not Something Corporate – the title is from "(Hurricane) The Formal Weather Pattern."

---

**Chapter Two: The Space We Put Between**

He ran his fingers through his hair nervously as he sat on a barstool at Gimlet. He'd had to win a key from Branforth in a not-so-high stakes poker game, but it was worth it if it meant he'd get to run into Serena. He had told her he was coming, but now that he was actually _here_, he didn't feel he had the right to call her or set up a meeting. He knew he'd hurt her when he left, and he couldn't stop himself from wondering if she hated him. If she thought he had used her to pay off her debts just like he had with that girl Beth.

He hoped she knew she was different – that he really had wanted to prove himself to her; to do something that let her know just how much he… well, _cared_. So he'd gone down to Texas and tried to work, but he soon found that not only was he no good at oil rigs, but he wasn't proving anything to anyone by staying. The Buckleys didn't care how hard he tried, and they didn't care about how much he owed. They just wanted to see him humiliated and sometimes beaten up by roughnecks. And, short of using pocketknives, Carter wasn't particularly good at defending himself. So he left before he had the chance to become guilty of manslaughter. With the small amount of money he had saved up, he set about completing a task far worthier of his time.

---

Who would have guessed Keith van der Woodsen could have ended up working for Doctors Without Borders? The dashing lothario had traded in his underhanded business deals and seedy hotel trysts for a marriage to a bleeding-heart French aristocrat and a non-profit medical charity. The thought almost made Carter barf. What was the point of saving the lives of so many nameless children when you didn't even care how your own daughter was living hers?

When he'd finally gotten hold of the runaway bastard, though, he'd found himself quite the sob story (or possibly s.o.b. story, depending on your perspective). Keith had claimed to be ignorant of the many times Serena had called him and the many letters she had sent, due to switching service providers once he reached Somalia. He had also explained that he hadn't been keeping up with any gossip columns or the like because he had too many things to deal with, so he hadn't been informed of any of her escapades. So much for nude sunbathing in Fiji, then.

The most incredible part – and that's incredible as in 'hard to believe,' mind you – was that her father had sworn up and down that he had very badly wanted to contact his children all these years. He had just been too ashamed, you see. He thought they wouldn't want to see him after the way he disappeared without a proper goodbye, so he hadn't even tried.

Carter hadn't known whether to yell at him for being such a cowardly liar or marvel at just how similar father and daughter were. Of _course_ Serena's dad would neglect his children for years on end because he was too afraid they wouldn't want to speak to him. Just the thought had made him want to rush back to New York City, pull Serena into his arms, and tell her over and over again that – no matter how far she tried to run – he would always find her.

So in the end, he hadn't said anything to Mr. van der Woodsen in either praise or censure, and had instead convinced him to come back to the United States for a brief vacation. His children needed him and, after all, there were some new _delightful _additions to the family that he just had to meet.

---

But sitting alone at the bar, sipping his scotch (neat, as always) and scanning the crowd for a beautiful blonde girl while hoping to avoid her demon stepbrother, he was afraid he had gone about everything the wrong way. It was starting to seem like Serena didn't even want to hear from him. She hadn't replied to his text from that morning, though he hadn't dared call her to follow-up. He didn't think he could bear hearing her disappointed sigh as she picked up the phone. Well, if she no longer cared about meeting her father, who was he to interfere?

As soon as those thoughts crossed his mind, he chuckled a little. Who knew – he had a little Serena in him, as well. In him and _near_ him. He quickly stood up as he saw her enter the club and tried to decide on the best way of casually bumping into her. _Stop being a pussy and just go for it_, he commanded himself sternly. She would know why he was there regardless of how much he pretended he had 'just stopped by.'

He made his way over to her, strutting with a confidence he didn't exactly feel. She turned and, upon seeing him, a deer-in-headlights expression overtook her entire face. He had to smile at how trapped she looked – it was too cute. _I've got you now, princess_.

"Oh, you know," he smirked once he reached her side. "I was just –"

"In the neighborhood, I know," she finished for him, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth despite her mixed emotions.

Immediately, he felt the urge to jump into a long explanation for why he had left her and why he had returned so abruptly, but he knew she'd rather be eased into that kind of discussion. So instead he cleared his throat and waited for her to initiate whatever conversation she had in mind.

She looked around nervously for a few seconds before saying anything, and he wondered who she might be afraid of seeing. Perhaps Chuck _had_ threatened to have him arrested if he returned. Once she decided the coast was clear, she took a deep breath and began to speak. "So, you really found him?"

He nodded, observing her reaction carefully. There was a mixture of elation and fear in her eyes, but he was pretty sure it was only due to her need to process the information. "It turns out that we were looking in all the wrong places," he replied in a low voice. "Your dad's done with that glamorous resort lifestyle – he was living in Africa."

Serena's eyes widened dramatically and he could gave sworn she nearly gulped. "You – you went to _Africa_?" The '_for me_' was unspoken, but he heard it clearly in her voice.

Before he had a chance to come up with a witty pick-up line – maybe something like _there's nowhere I wouldn't go for you_ – their little tête à tête was interrupted by the arrival of Nate Archibald.

Nate put his hand on the small of Serena's back, and she immediately tensed up, like she knew she had been caught. Carter let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding and let his gaze drift to his rival's face. It didn't surprise him that Nate was watching him just as suspiciously as he was watching Nate. Of course. It could never be that easy, could it? He couldn't just come back and apologize; he couldn't just prove himself and win the girl. He'd have to fight off another rival for her affections. That was the story of wanting Serena van der Woodsen, after all. Even if he weren't competing against the Dans and Nates of the world, he would still be battling the shadow of her father.

"Carter…" Serena's voice broke through the tense silence. "It's not…" She faltered then, because what could she say? If it wasn't what it looked like, then she was hurting one – and if it _was_, she was hurting the other. She could never win in this situation. Carter understood, but he didn't think he could feel sorry for her.

"Don't worry about it," he said with tone of studied nonchalance. "I'm just here to give you details." And with that, he picked up a cocktail napkin from the counter and began writing down the address of Keith's hotel.

Serena's fingers grazed his as she was leaning over to see what he wrote, and he pulled himself away almost imperceptibly. She still felt the sting, however, retracting her hand as if she had been burned.

He concentrated as hard as he could on his pen, finishing as hastily as possible. "He's in suite 1405," he told her when he had completed his arduous task, handing the napkin over but refusing to meet her eyes. "He's expecting you, so just drop in whenever. He might change his mind if you call first, so don't bother."

He wanted to get out of there, but Serena's voice stopped him dead in his tracks. "Don't you want to –"

He knew the next words out of her mouth would be '_come with me_,' so he cut her off before she could tempt him farther. "I don't think there's really anything left for me to do here." His attempt to inject hostility in the statement failed, and he sounded more pathetic than he would have liked.

Serena nodded slowly in response. He could already see the tears welling up in her eyes. He hated hurting her, and he knew that rejecting an offer to visit her dad was a low blow, but she had _Nate_ for that. He'd already told her once before that he didn't want her pity.

He forced himself to look away from her and nodded curtly to Nate, who merely stared back with a scrutinizing look that Carter had never thought him capable of mastering.

"Well, I've got some business to attend to, so I'll be off," he announced as he began backing away.

"Yeah, I'm sure you've got quite few bills you need to gamble away," Nate answered nastily, causing Carter to arch an eyebrow in surprise.

"Good one, Archibald," he said gamely. "Maybe I'll bring you a lollipop next time – for being such a good boy." Then he walked out of the club without turning around, because he knew he wouldn't be able to bear seeing her face.

---

Hours later, he was still sitting on a barstool, but this time in a different club. He was still holding a scotch sans ice in his hand, but this time he was downing it rather than sipping slowly. He wondered what he could do to make the hours go by faster, to stop being stuck in the memory of that afternoon, to overcome his latest brush of defeat.

He thought of Serena and Nate going to visit her dad together. Would Nate go in with her? Wait outside? Or would he be too stoned to even remember? More importantly, was she happy with him? Part of him wanted her not to be, but most of him hoped she was. She deserved a guy who could stay in the same place for more than a month, after all. Someone who didn't have a line of enemies breathing down his neck – a guy who didn't put himself in danger at every opportunity.

The voice in his head told him to let it go. Carter Baizen didn't mope and pine over beautiful girls. He just moved on to the next conquest. Maybe Chuck Bass had let himself get soft, but Carter certainly wasn't going to do the same. If only Bree Buckley had never shown up in the first place, if he had gotten to stay with Serena and not let her get away again, things would be different. But given the circumstances, he had better things to do than act like a kicked puppy.

A curvaceous blonde sat down next to him right then, and offered him a winning smile. He let his eyes rake up and down her body: gorgeous, tall, legs exposed, eyes declaring her willingness. She would do as a distraction for now.


	3. To Figure Out A Girl

**These Currents Are Still Killing Me**

**Summary: **Nate thinks about what Serena needs right now, and Serena makes a decision. Sort of Carter/Serena/Nate triangle.**  
Author's Note: **I am really enjoying Nate/Serena right now in the show itself, but my first love is Serena/Carter. Plus, I have to finish what I started, so here goes.  
**Disclaimer: ** I do not own Gossip Girl, and Something Corporate owns me.

---

**Chapter Three: To Figure Out A Girl**

The next day, Nate took Serena out to Max Brenner for hot chocolate and crepes. It was a concerted effort to bring them back to where they were before Carter returned with her father in tow, and he was pretty sure he was failing. There had been jokes and laughs and playful banter all day long, of course, but he could sense that Serena's sparkle was tarnished. He silently prayed that she was just worried about meeting her dad for the first time in twelve years and not at all upset about _the other thing_. Any girl would be a little less shiny when contemplating a confrontation with the man who abandoned her as a child, right?

Thinking it would do her a world of good to get it off her chest, he attempted to coax a conversation about her father out of her. His three or four tries were met with half-hearted smiles and evasive replies such as, "I don't really want to talk about it." As in denial as he'd like to be (what he wouldn't give to live in Blair's fantasy land right about now), he heard her unspoken message loud and clear: she didn't really want to talk about it with _him_.

The past few weeks had been like a dream come true for Nate, reconnecting and finally falling back into bed with the most perfect girl ever created. He wanted to hold onto that perfect girl for as long as possible, to hang on tight and never let go. He'd never been as happy as he was right then, and he knew that if he let her get away, he never would be again. If he were a selfish man, he'd have taken her back to his penthouse suite and shut out the rest of the world. He had half a mind to do that right then, in fact, but there was something about Serena that wouldn't let him. She inspired him to be a better person, and a better person would make sure that the love of his life had exactly what she needed.

---

"Serena, I think we need to talk." Nate uttered the dreaded words once they were in the safety zone of the Empire Hotel. He had decided to wait because he couldn't bear the thought of being left alone at a restaurant with a pile of chocolate crepes before him.

"Ooh, you make it sound so serious," Serena teased as she playfully sat on the pool table and crossed her long legs.

_Yeah, well it sort of is_, Nate thought glumly before clearing his throat and continuing his self-mutilation. "I want to talk about Carter," he declared in a rush of breath that came out sounding more like _Iwannatalbouter. _

Hoping she hadn't heard correctly, Serena blink a few times and gaped at her sort-of boyfriend. Maybe if she pretended to be mute, he would forget he had even brought this up in the first place and they could go back to food fights and giggling about the past.

Nate took her silence as a sign of guilt and searched for the right words to make her feel better about things. It certainly wasn't her fault that he had created a million fantasies in his mind while she was going through one of the toughest moments in her young life.

"I know you still have feelings for him," he began awkwardly amidst Serena's fidgeting and silent protests. "…And I want you to know that it's okay."

"Nate…" Serena sighed, not knowing what to say. She wanted to assure him that he was just imagining things, but the knots in her stomach were making it hard for her to lie. _That's not true_ and _what are you talking about _both died without making it past her lips, and she instead contended herself with looking down at the ground and willing the situation to go away.

She had tried to tell herself that Carter's return made her nervous only insofar as it pertained to her father; that the shame she felt about being with Nate was nothing more but pity for the other guy who still wanted her. But the butterflies fluttering in her stomach told her plain as day what she needed to know, and she felt horrible for stringing Nate along when he had been so perfect to her. So perfect _for _her.

As if reading her thoughts, Nate continued talking to her in a soothing tone. "I'm the right guy for you, Serena. I know I am. I'm just not the guy for you _right_ _now_." He gave her a goofy grin and lifted her chin up so she was forced to look him in the eyes as he spoke. "You and Carter have so much that needs to play out, so do me a favor and go find him. And, trust me, you and I will be together again some day."

Serena's eyes shone brightly for the first time in weeks, and Nate was relieved to see the sparkle in her aura once more. She gave him a small smile as she gently cupped his face in her hands and leaned in to give him one last kiss.

"I know, Nate," she whispered once they broke apart. Then she hopped off the pool table and made her way to the door. Before exiting the suite, she turned around and presented him with a much wider smile than before. "Thank you," she called out, and then disappeared.

Nate nodded to himself, contemplating what he had just done. It certainly felt good to be selfless. He decided he'd go find Chuck and talk about this new sensation he was experiencing.

---

Serena knocked on Carter's hotel room door and started to panic. What in the world was she going to say? Her plan on the way over had pretty much been to just jump on him and start making out like her life depended on it, but she wasn't in some chick flick and she doubted whether Carter would be in a mood to reciprocate, anyway. She knew she had hurt his feelings with the whole Nate ordeal, but it's not like she was _cheating_ or anything. He was the one who left her, after all, even though she begged him to stay – not that she could blame him now that she knew he was just looking for her dad, but perhaps if she just explained –

Her run-on sentence of thought was interrupted by the sound of the door opening, and Serena nearly choked on her greeting when she saw who was on the other side. It was certainly not Carter, but rather a beautiful, buxom blonde who was almost as tall as Serena herself.

Serena wrung her hands together nervously and refrained from thinking any spiteful thoughts. After all, she herself had been with someone else the night before. Nevertheless, she tried to come up with a million excuses in her mind, one of which she said out loud: "I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong room?"

"And why would you think that?" The girl asked with a familiar smirk, eyeing her up and down suspiciously. "Who exactly are you looking for?"

"Uh…Carter Baizen?" Serena answered back softly. She was already prepared to turn and run to the next room when she heard the other tall blonde call out for Carter to come to the door, and her heart sank.

The vixen noticed Serena's crestfallen expression and let out an infuriatingly graceful laugh. "Van der Woodsen, I'm ashamed of you!" She cried out through her fit of giggles. "Don't you recognize me?"

Serena squinted at her, not quite interested in which _particular_ bimbo Carter had decided to spend the night with. "I'm sorry, I –"

"It's Emily!" The girl cut her off in a friendly manner. "Emily Baizen, remember?"

"Oh, my gosh!" Serena suddenly felt as light as air. "I can't believe I didn't realize it was you! You've grown up so much."

"I don't blame you," Emily chirped. "It's been four years, and I did dye my hair, after all. I just look so much better as a blonde, don't you think?"

Serena nodded her assent, too relieved to say much of anything else.

"Why don't you step inside?" Carter's sister offered. "I was just on my way out… And I imagine you were hoping to have Carter to yourself." She didn't actually wink, but it was implicit in her tone of voice.

---

They stared at each other for what seemed like eons, both glued to their respective spots in the room. Carter sat uncomfortably on the bed, eyeing her with a mix of wariness and appreciation. Serena, meanwhile, stood in front of the door with her hand on the knob, as if she were getting ready to run out at any moment.

He broke the silence with a simple "Serena," and she noted that her name sounded like a prayer coming out of his lips. She didn't feel strong enough to reply, but her hand released its death-grip on the door and she slowly made her way toward him. He was like a magnet, pulling her in without making any effort at all.

"What are you doing here?" He asked quietly once she was close enough to touch. He could think of a million reasons for her presence, but there was only one he wanted to hear.

Serena felt like the breath had been knocked out of her with that one question, and she struggled to compose herself once more. Exactly what _was_ she doing here?

"I know you think I have Nate now to help me with my dad or whatever," she began awkwardly after a beat. "But… I really don't." She noticed his quizzical, disbelieving smirk and immediately began talking faster. "I mean, obviously, I do. But I _want_ it to be you. I want you to … be there with me," she finished lamely.

Carter sighed and ran a hand through his unkempt hair. She wished she could fix it for him, but willed her hands to stay firmly in place lest she scare him away.

"I'm not here to be your crutch," he replied, more harshly than he intended. He didn't want to be another one of those guys that Serena used to cope with her daddy issues- thrown away and discarded as soon as something went wrong. He'd been down that path too many times, and he was starting to feel a wee bit pathetic. It was better to shut her out immediately, because if she kept insisting he would eventually _have_ to give in.

"It's not like that!" She insisted, suddenly inspired with new confidence. Reaching out and grabbing his hand, she spoke in a firm voice that brooked no resistance. "I want it to be _you_, don't you get it? It's not just because you've helped me. It's because I _trust_ you to help me. It's because I run away when you get too close, and because I feel lost when you run away."

Her last words felt like tiny stabs in his heart, reminding him that _he _was the one who ruined things between them. "I'm sorry I left," he said suddenly, leaning his forehead against hers and breathing in her lavender scent. "I just…" And, just like that, _he _was the one who was at a loss for words. Just being near her took his breath away.

"I don't deserve you," he declared after a pause, pulling away from her and letting the distance between them complete the thought. _I don't deserve you. Nate deserves you._

"You know, that just might be true," Serena agreed thoughtfully, causing Carter to scowl. She could at least _pretend_ to deny it.

"But here's the thing, Baizen," she continued in that same pensive voice that drove him crazy and made him desperate to kiss her. "I _want_ you, whether or not you deserve it. And don't _I_ deserve to have what I want?"

His face finally broke out into that rarely seen smile she loved so much, and he found he couldn't contain his laughter to save his life. "I guess you do, Serena," he chuckled sweetly. "It would be wrong to deny you."

She showed her approval with a soft kiss, then took both his hands and led him to the door. "Come on, Carter. Take me to meet my dad. And then take me out to dinner, because I'm starving."

---

**THE END**


End file.
